The Definitive List Of Worst Patriots Fans On Earth
We’re on day 2 of the Patriots Two Weeks suckfest and I’m already ready to kill myself. Just all sorts of New England propaganda flying left and right. Deflate-gate making things even worse because while its not even a valid gripe about cheating this time around, it still fuels the Pats fans arrogance. Worst of both worlds. There’s no fanbase in the world more hypocritical, sensitive, and arrogant than New England Patriots fans. And thats not me being bitter, thats #FactsOnly. Like I love when people say “you’re just jealous. You’re a Jets fan.” like that somehow discredits my opinion on the fanbase. No fucking kidding I’m jealous. You think I’d rather be in a 50 year Super Bowl draught just dreaming of a possible Wild Card appearance than be the most dominant team in football? You fucking idiots. There’s no denying the Pats are an incredible franchise and one of the best teams in sports. But there’s also no denying that their fan base is insufferable. Would I be like these cocksuckers if I won a billion AFC East titles and went to 6 Super Bowls in the past 15 years? Probably. But the doesnt mean I dont fucking hate them now. Without further adieu, the worst Patriots Fans on Earth. Hate Train full speed ahead!
11. Big Daddy Smooth
If we’re being honest I dont hate anything about Big Daddy Smooth. I fucking love Big Daddy Smooth. There’s nothing to hate about him. I love his nickname. I love his dumbass tri-sport jerseys. I love how he flashes his tits. I love the tan lines underneath his tits. But like I said yesterday this is war. This is where we separate the men from the boys when it comes to hating these motherfuckers. So, sorry Big Daddy Smooth. I hate your guts even though you’re just a fat jolly dude. Which brings me to…
10. SuperFat
Man, fuck Superfat. Primarily because Superfat got skinny. How you gonna be Superfat and then get thin? Fuck that. For the most part the Pats fans “they hate us cause they aint us” is accurate. But I do NOT want to be Superfat. I wouldnt trade lives with Superfat for any number of Super Bowls.
9. Patriots “Postseason Fatigue” Guy
Mr. I’m So Tired Of Going To Playoff Games. Mr. Been There Done That. This spoiled son of a bitch can go right to hell. Right to fucking hell. Because the reality of the matter is the Pats stunk for a long long time. When Brady and Belichick go, they’ll probably stink after that. Fans that were around for the dark days realize this, and still cherish the run the Pats have been on. But then you got assholes like this guy who probably started watching games in 2002 and cant even bother with measly playoff appearances. Last week I heard Sales Guy said he wasnt even sure if he was going to the AFCCG because he wasnt sure if it was worth it. Which brings me to…
8. Paul Gaz Sales Guy
What an absolute asshole this guy is. You know he changed his name on Twitter to Paulie Playoffs? If thats not the biggest dickhead move on earth I dont know what is. The guy is just the definition of a spoiled New England motherfucker. Has a job here at the Stool for no discernible reason and rides the coattails all the way to the bank. Fucks a zillion girls because of it and gets to be front and center for all these Super Bowls/World Series/Stanley Cup runs. To be honest Gaz could be number one on this list if he wasnt just Sales Guy.
7. The idiot 6 year old with the dumb ass sign
Hey IDIOT that sign doesnt mean a fucking thing. You could just make all sorts of signs regarding the number 6. 6 beers in a six pack…6 Super Bowls played. 6 sides on a hexagon…6 Super Bowls plays. Guess what shithead? You were alive for zero Super Bowl wins and another choke job this year and you might never get to see one. This window aint open forever. Your signs suck and so do you. You dont get to be cocky yet.
6. The Collective Barstool Commenter
Really its the general Patriots fan that is the most insufferable of all. They’re the fucking idiots who still actually use the phrase “Patriot Way.” They genuinely think the players in the locker room are “classier” than the rest of the the league. They think they are the “classiest” fan base in the world. They’re the fans who still think Tom Brady is this blue collar, average joe when he’s more or less a male model in a celebrity marriage that happens to play football. They’re the most arrogant fans out there, right next to Yankees fans, which I have no problem with. But they’re also the most thin skinned defensive fan base maybe in all of sports. Its insane how easy it is to rile the generic Pats fan up. Few key words about Spygate and 18-1 and you have a goddam meltdown. Toughen up you dicks. The fact that you even lets a Jets fan like myself bother you is baffling.
5. Jerry Thornton
Old Man Thornton with his old, deflated balls might be the oldest, trolliest homer of all time. Forget Cialis, its just visions of Belichick in his hood that gets this senior citizen hard. The only thing that matches his love for the Pats is his weird obsession with the Jets. Another Patriots Super Bowl loss may actually kill this poor bastard. And while I dont openly want to root for a friend of mine to die, I am certainly not above lighting his funeral pyre if Seattle wins and Old Balls kicks the bucket.
4. Feitelberg
Fucking Feitelberg. I used this picture of him and Teddy Ruxpin to prove a point. Because Feitelberg basically went from Teddy Ruxpin to Teddy Bruschi. He went from peeing in his diapers to peeing in his bed after partying celebrating Super Bowl wins. Do you know how good his life is? I mean really think about it. You can make fun of his tits or his Jewish sounding last name and all that other shit, but look at the facts. The kid’s entire adolescence into his adult life has been nothing but sports success. The time in your life when you enjoy sports the most – when you’re young and have no responsibilities and do nothing but watch every game and celebrate every win and party at every parade – has perfectly coincided with a Boston Sports Dynasty for this dick. At times he’s genuinely said he cant even really remember much of his life when his teams werent winning. A lot of people are too young right now to really, truly enjoy those Super Bowls (Looking at you, 6 year old prick.) A lot of people are too old to truly enjoy them – maybe you got a wife and kids and cant really soak up all the celebration the way you’d want to. But there’s Feits living the prime of his life smack dab in the middle of an unprecedented run.
3. Gisele
This bitch. The chances Gisele has even learned the rules of football is about zero percent. She just sits around in her goddam HGTV house with her stupid kids putting up stupid instagrams of them in stupid Pats jerseys saying shit like “Go daddy!” Fuck you and your perfect life you stupid bazillionaire super model bitch.
2. Patrick McGillicuddy
My arch nemesis. My mortal enemy. Patrick McGillicuddy. Like 75% of his time on this earth has been nothing but playoff wins and championships. All he does is play Little League baseball and ride his bike and play video games and win championships. Pretty soon he’ll start getting into girls and he can throw hand jobs into his life rotation but he’ll probably still be celebrating winning teams. Your day is coming, McGillicuddy. You’re exactly what I was talking about when I was describing Feitelberg’s life. Soon enough this Boston run will end and when you’re ready to booze and drink and go to games your teams will suck. Really happy you won a Super Bowl when you were like 8 months old sucking on your moms tit though.
1. Portnoy
All things considered my least favorite person on earth. As far as I’m considered he’s the main reason for this Patriots run. All just part of his deal with the devil. Sold his soul right to Lucifer himself in exchange for a Michigan Man backup to somehow rise to NFL immortality. He’s everything I already mentioned. He’s arrogant, he’s hypocritical, he’s spoiled, he’s benefitted in more ways than I can even imagine from this Pats run. Like I said least favorite person on earth.
So here’s your list. This is your who’s who of everyone you should be wishing ill upon. The Usual Suspects who deserve nothing but heartbreak. When I say that New England going back to the Super Bowl is just an opportunity for Pats fans to get their hopes all the way up, as high as possible, only to be crushed again, these are the people that I’m talking about. If you have any ethics or morals, you’ll root for the misery of this cast of characters. If you’ve got hate in your heart, let it out.